Santa (Maybe): A Rom Com Novella Read online

  “And what are his sins, exactly?”

  “Deliberate and wanton pollution of the air-waves.”

  “Ah, I see.” Except he didn’t, but that was OK. Just as long as she was willing to keep Festus.

  “Why don’t you stay over, too? Only make sure you’re not followed. I don’t want this Kristen person anywhere near me.”

  Mark was tempted. He said he’d think about it. He could bring Festus over first thing in the morning. Kristen wouldn’t do anything until Christmas Eve. At least he didn’t think she would.

  “I’ll try and think of something,” Ami said.

  “What kind of something?”

  “You know. Take Kristen out. Neutralize her.”

  Mark hoped Ami didn’t mean what it sounded like she meant. Surely, she was kidding. If not, she was at least as crazy as Kristen. He’d never thought of Ami as crazy. Well, actually she had always been borderline crazy, but crazy in a good way.

  “What do you mean ‘neutralize her’?”

  “OK. So the phrase ‘take her out’ might have scared you a little.” Ami giggled. “I didn’t mean anything involving violence—well, very little violence and certainly no murder.”

  “Good to know.”

  “What are Kristen’s weaknesses?”

  “Uh—I don’t know. Innocent personal trainers.”

  “So, men in general?”

  “I’d say that’s true.”

  “Does she have a type?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, we’ll soon find out.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m having the beginnings of a brilliant idea.”

  “I’m a little scared of your brilliant ideas.”

  “No, this one is truly brilliant. If I’m successful, it will also take care of something else that’s been bothering me.”

  “Do I want to know the details?”

  “No, you certainly do not. Can I have Kristen’s phone number?”

  “Why?”

  “Trust me.”

  “Do I have to?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, just don’t involve me in your plans.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t need you at all for what I have in mind.”

  Mark did trust Ami. Almost. He trusted Ami had his best interests at heart. Whether her brilliant scheme, whatever it was, would make things better or worse, he wasn’t so sure.

  For now he had to go to work. It was his last shift as Santa and he couldn’t be more ready to give up the gig. What he’d do to make money after this, he had no idea. He should call Stan up and tell him he was coming to Portland straight after Christmas. Stan’s offer solved all of his problems. All of his problems save one. Was Madeleine going to come around eventually or was he wasting his time?

  Christmas Eve

  Madeleine woke up with a start. Everything was moving. Then she heard a childish voice. It wasn’t an earthquake. Emily was bouncing up and down on the end of the bed.

  “It’s Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Rainbows and candy canes. Flying storks and landy lanes. Rudolph and Snudolph and Fa-la-la-la-la-la.”

  “Making up your own songs again, Girlie?”

  Madeleine couldn’t help but smile. Emily was just so excited.

  “Can we please make waffles?”

  “Sure.”

  “When is Aunt Ami coming over?”

  Ami had called late the evening before. It was a very strange call. Ami said she’d try to make it by six, but they shouldn’t worry until seven. She had something to take care of. Something important. She might be done earlier. She didn’t know.

  It wasn’t like Ami to be so secretive. Ami usually told her sister everything, so Madeleine didn’t pry. Probably some last minute Christmas shopping or something. Maybe some elaborate handmade surprise for Emily.

  Last Christmas, Ami had created a child-size gingerbread playhouse out cardboard for Emily. Emily had played with the thing nonstop until July when it was more duct tape than gingerbread and Madeleine finally insisted it receive a respectful cremation in the backyard fire-pit.

  After breakfast, Emily went off to her room to play and Madeleine set to work on her contributions for Christmas dinner. She was just pouring the cranberry gelatin into the mold to set, when the doorbell rang.

  Emily came flying down the stairs.

  “It’s Aunt Ami!”

  “I doubt it. She’s not coming ‘til tonight. We’ll just have to open the door and see who it is.”

  Emily clung to her mother’s waist and peeked out from under one arm. Madeleine opened the door.

  Madeleine screamed. She actually screamed. She just couldn’t believe it.

  It was Joe.

  Emily launched herself at her Uncle Joe. Emily might not have seen her uncle for since she was three, but they would get on video chat together and giggle up a storm. At least Emily would giggle. Joe wasn’t the giggly type, but he was good at making silly faces. Emily loved her Uncle Joe almost as much as she loved her Aunt Ami.

  Madeleine didn’t see a taxi. She didn’t see a rental car, either.

  “How did you get here?”

  “Ah! A friend dropped me off.”

  “Might that be your friend Mark?”

  “It might be.” Joe looked far too smug.

  Was Madeleine the only one who didn’t see a happily-ever-after for her and Mark? Her own family was conspiring against her. They seemed so sure. Neither Ami nor Joe had ever warmed to Chad. That was a point favor of their wisdom and discretion. Maybe she should listen to the two people who loved her the most.

  Mark hadn’t slept well. He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since the whole Kristen thing had started. He kept having nightmares that she had gotten into his house and was standing over his bed watching him sleep. It was very creepy.

  He’d gotten up early to go pick up Joe from the airport. Mark had dropped Joe off at Madeleine’s, but he’d made Joe promise to give him time to drive off before ringing the bell. Now he just had to keep Joe’s arrival secret from Ami. The plan was for Joe to surprise Ami that evening when she came over to Madeleine’s.

  Mark loaded Festus into the car and took him over to Ami’s. Festus liked Ami. Apparently, Festus was a good judge of character. Festus loved Ami almost as much as he hated Kristen. Ami was happy to have Festus. She gave him an old blanket in the corner of the kitchen and the run of the house. It was too cold to leave him outside, she said. Besides, she liked the company.

  “You staying too? I don’t see a suitcase.”

  Mark hadn’t decided, actually. He probably should. In case those nightmares were prophetic.

  “I have some errands to run,” he told Ami. “I’ll decide before noon and get back to you.”

  “I’ll be busy this afternoon,” Ami said. “How about I give you a key, just in case?”

  Mark didn’t say no.

  “How’s your brilliant scheme coming along?”

  “So far so good. I won’t know until this evening if I’ve been successful.”

  Madeleine was worried. It was half past six and Ami hadn’t shown up or called. Sure, she’d said not to worry until after seven, but Madeleine couldn’t help wondering what was keeping her sister. She tried not to wonder what Mark was up to that evening. She hoped he had plans. The more time that passed since her disastrous meeting with Kristen, the more she was convinced Kristen was the one who was lying. Joe was also working hard to coax her around to his viewpoint. Joe was convinced Mark was telling the truth and Kristen was a sociopath.

  “What’s Mark doing this evening?” Madeleine couldn’t resist quizzing Joe.

  “I got the impression he had plans.” Joe looked highly amused.

  “I hope he does. I’d hate to think of him sitting home alone with no one but his dog for company.”

  “Oh, he took Festus over to Ami’s. Just in case.”

  Emily, who kept running over to window to see if Aunt Ami was coming, suddenly shouted
and ran to the door.

  “Aunt Ami’s here! Hide Uncle Joe!”

  Emily was yelling loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. There was no chance of postponing the surprise by hiding Joe in the kitchen. Madeleine went to the door and let Ami in. She nearly knocked Madeleine down to get to Joe and tackled him so hard he went down on the hardwood floor of the entry.

  “I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!” Ami kept saying over and over.

  Madeleine almost couldn’t believe it herself, and she’d had all day to get used to the idea. This was the best Christmas she’d had in years. It was almost perfect. The only person missing was—

  “Where’s Mark?” Ami asked.

  Joe pointed at Madeleine. “I understand he wasn’t invited.”

  “Wasn’t invited? You mean right now he’s sitting in my cold kitchen eating something microwaved and listening to Festus snore?”

  “Your kitchen?” Madeleine demanded. “What would he be doing in your kitchen?”

  “I’ve invited him to stay for a while until Kristen shows her hand. Speaking of Kristen—“

  “Mark’s moving in with you?” Madeleine didn’t like it. She didn’t like it at all.

  “I suppose you could put it that way. Jealous?”

  “Certainly not. It just seems a little inappropriate, that’s all.”

  “I have a guest bed.”

  “I know, but still—“

  Joe was laughing again.

  “Believe me—“ he said, “—there’s no danger of Mark transferring his affections to Ami.”

  “Thanks very much, Joe! That’s not much a compliment,” Ami protested.

  “Well, Mark’s very fond of you, Ami, but it’s Madeleine he’s been in love with for the last decade.”

  It went dead silent. Ami and Joe looked at Madeleine.

  “What? I didn’t know, OK.”

  “Sure,” said Joe.

  “I really didn’t. I mean I knew he had a crush on me way back when, but I didn’t know—that’s crazy! Joe, you’re exaggerating.”

  “I am absolutely not exaggerating.”

  Emily, who had been out in the kitchen watching the chicken roasting in the oven and filching cookies off the counter, returned to the living room and said, “The timer’s going off.”

  Madeleine rushed out to the kitchen, eager to get away from Ami and Joe. Joe couldn’t be right. Sure, Mark was attracted to her, but how could he be in love with her? They hadn’t see each other in so many years.

  It was time to eat, she announced on her return. Normally, they opened presents and then ate, but Ami had been so late that now the food was ready. They sat down around the table and filled their plates. Madeleine was just about to take her first bite when there was an awful racket of clumping and scraping up on the roof.

  Madeleine jumped up in alarm.

  “Don’t worry, Mommy! It’s Santa!” Emily was jumping up and down, her eyes shining.

  “I am 100% sure that’s not Santa,” Madeleine said.

  The sound of jingling bells joined the clumping and scraping.

  Emily rushed to the kitchen and started trying to wrestle the fire extinguisher down from the wall.

  “What are you doing, Emily?”

  “Help! Santa’s going to get burned up!” Emily was distraught. She pulled at the fire-extinguisher, but she couldn’t get it down.

  Joe fell off his chair laughing. Ami was looking at everyone in her family as if they had all gone mad and she was the only sane one left.

  “Santa is not going to come down the chimney!” Madeline insisted. “In fact, I’m not at all sure that’s really Santa.”

  “The smart thing to do would be to go outside and warn him,” Joe suggested.

  “Warn who?” Madeleine was getting suspicious. Had Joe hired a Santa for Emily? Did he know anyone who might—? Yes, he did. Mark. It was only logical.

  Madeleine marched outside and looked up on the roof. It was Santa, alright. Santa had blue eyes. Madeleine bet if she got close they would have little flecks of green in them and a roughish twinkle.

  “Get down off my roof, right now!” Madeleine yelled.

  “Don’t hurt Santa’s feelings, Mommy!” Emily tugged at Madeleine’s sleeve. “He has to be on the roof. It’s his landing pad.”

  “Please, Santa, if you would be so kind as to come down off my roof,” Madeleine yelled up again through gritted teeth.

  Santa came over to the edge of the roof.

  “You must be Emily!” Santa said.

  “Where’s your sleigh?” Emily asked.

  “It dropped me off. The reindeer are taking a hay and oats break. They’ll be back for me later.”

  “Please! Can you eat supper with us?” Emily said.

  Santa looked down at Madeleine. Joe and Ami were sniggering in the background. Madeleine kicked discretely backward in the direction of their shins, but they jumped out of the way.

  “Maybe you should ask your mother if it’s OK for me to come in?”

  “Of course it’s OK,” Emily said. “You’re Santa! Why didn’t you come last year?”

  “Hip surgery. Fell on the ice. Had to send out my backup elves to deliver the presents. You got your presents, didn’t you?”

  Emily nodded.

  This back-and-forth nonsense could go on for ages. Madeleine thought about the food getting cold and the gravy congealing.

  “Come inside and eat, Santa,” Madeleine said. “And watch out for my gutters.”

  Mark was trying to keep gravy out of his beard. It was a good thing this was his swan song as Santa. Next week, he’d take the costume back to place where he’d rented it. The beard was his to keep. Beards, the woman at the costume shop had informed him, were purchase-only items. Now he understood why.

  Emily was ecstatic to be eating Christmas Eve dinner while sitting next to Santa. She barely touched her food, she was so excited. Joe had been right. This had been a good idea. But maybe Madeleine didn’t think so. She was too quiet.

  After supper they all went into the living room to open presents. Joe’s presents to his family were hidden in the big pockets of Mark’s Santa coat.

  Mark pulled them out one by one. Emily opened hers first. Her present was a set of elaborately painted Japanese dolls which opened up to expose smaller and smaller dolls, one inside another. There was also candy and sparkly barrettes and a little sequined purse in the shape of a butterfly.

  Emily set to work filling her row of hollow dolls with candies.

  Ami was next. Joe had gotten her a necklace.

  “This is great, Joe! I don’t know if I got you anything half as good!”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Madeleine picked it out. We went in on it together. You’d better open it now, so I can find out what it is.”

  Joe protested, but Emily was already fishing his gift out from under the tree. Joe opened it and held up the watch.

  “I thought you needed another one,” Madeleine said. “You only have about 15 already.”

  “I do like watches,” Joe said. “I like to think of myself as a collector.”

  Mark watched as Madeleine opened her gift from Joe. It was a gold necklace just like Ami’s but with different colored stones. It must have cost a fortune. Ami had been right. The watch didn’t compare.

  “It’s lovely, Joe. I’m so glad you’re here with us this year. These last few Christmas’s just hasn’t been the same without you.”

  It was time for pulling the rest of the gifts out from under the tree, but Emily stopped them.

  “Where’s Santa’s present?” She asked.

  “Uh—Santa doesn’t get presents. He just gives them,” Madeleine said.

  “That’s not fair,” Emily said.

  “It certainly isn’t,” agreed Ami. “One of the great injustices of our time.”

  “Wait here! Nobody move!” Emily said and darted up the stairs. Halfway up, she remembered her manners and shouted back down. “P
lease wait there and please don’t move!”

  Everyone was laughing but Madeleine. She was too quiet. Mark hoped he hadn’t overstepped a line somewhere. Joe had reassured him beforehand that even if Madeleine was annoyed at first, she never stayed mad for long.

  He’d go as soon as Emily came back. They could open the rest of the presents without him. He fingered the one tiny box remaining in his pocket. He had been sure he wanted to give it to her, but now he wasn’t. Maybe giving Madeleine a present was a bad idea. Maybe he’d better just put that gift back in his sock drawer and let it sit there for another 4 years.

  Emily was gone for a long time. When she finally came back, she was carrying a box almost as big as she was. It was badly wrapped in paper festooned with pink and purple snowmen.

  “Here’s your present, Santa!” Emily’s eyes glowed.

  Mark took the box and set it down on the floor.

  “Open it! Open it!” Emily jumped up and down.

  Mark looked over at Madeleine. She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a half-smile. Mark started to unwrap the box, but he was going too slowly for Emily. She helped him tear the paper off.

  “I used a lot of tape, didn’t I?” She struggled to get the last of the paper off.

  Emily’s eyes were shining. Mark smiled at her through his beard and she beamed back at him. Mark opened up the flaps of the box and looked inside. A broad grin spread across his face as he reached inside the box.

  Madeleine wanted to hug Mark. He held up the mangy stuffed elephant as if it were the best present he’d ever received.

  “His name is Riggs!” Emily informed Santa.

  Riggs was barely recognizable as an elephant anymore. He had survived several trips through the wash after being dropped in the toilet. He had endured being baptized in cherry-flavored fruit-punch. He had lost a leg which had been expertly sewn on by Ami, only to eventually lose it again. His trunk had become twisted and—in an attempt to bring him back to his former glory—Emily had covered him with uneven strokes using a gray magic marker.

  “Riggs is great!” Mark said as he made the elephant raise his trunk and trumpet. “I bet you’ve done lots of fun things with Riggs.”

  “Yes. Riggs is my favorite stuffed animal in the whole world.”